**** keeps getting on my nerves a lot lately too. hes really ... being weird lately. he always bothers me and when we talk it seems to be really forced i guess. i think he must really want to be my friend, or at least be a bit more than just mutuals and acquaintances. **** is weirdly obsessed with LN anyways so its like... weird you know what i mean. its weird to know someone who is obsessed with someone else i know because i feel like eventually a lot of drama will sprout out of that and i am not ready for it. i dont even know what me and **** would talk about if we were friends. i could never imagine talking privately with him like in a call or anything. hes deathly awkward. he is really quiet all the time and he is the type who prefers the quiet in a call than actually talking like what the fuck lol why would you call just to have others listen to your keyboard? idk but i think the kid has issues yeah. **** is not so bad but lately when he texts me it is absolutely dreadful but i think this is just one of those periods of time where i would rather not speak with him. its nothing against **** but right now im not in the mood to talk with him. i hope maybe maaaaybe we can be a little bit better of friends but we are too awkward around eachother. we just dont click but real can recognize real and i can acknowledge that hes a cool dude and we just dont rlly have anything in common.
love has been weird lately too. about a week or so ago i guess my love had told me something very rude and ever since then i guess i was not able to look past it. i forget about it but in my moments of solitude it keeps resurfacing in my thoughts. in the shower i think of it. in bed i think of it. when its the middle of the night and the only sounds are my footsteps and the air conditioner, i think of it too. i cant get it out of my head. i love him and i want to forget he said that but when i think of it, it sends me down a spiral. all this thought invokes in me is a spiral of all the other mean things hes said to me. and also all the weird horrible things hes said that really made me feel sick. whats worse is that men dont ever really apologize, and when they do it is really RARE. my love is great. he is precious to me. he is like my precious gem... i would never ever replace him. he is mine and mine forever, for as long as i can keep him with me. however, sometimes i do wish he would think before speaking. men dont think in general though, he is nice for apologizing in the first place. i love him so much but dear god, what makes him say such mean things to me.. especially ALWAYS on nights that i already feel horrible or i am literally in like the worst position i could be in that day. its so... frustrating!!!! i wish that men had the capacity in their hearts and their minds to just understand how other people feel!! i wish men had the capacity to care about other people. men are the worst. men say women are heartless but at least i have it in my heart to care about other people's feelings; at least i think before i speak.
this has been bothering me since he said it. the very moment he said it. for some reason it didnt make me sad then. my heart didnt sink like it usually does. i think that was the final straw that made me snap. before that, mean things made my heart hurt and i simply would get over them the next day and if not then... then probably the day after. after that i was just left soulless, no passion in my heart whatsoever. i have little will to do anything at all really. thats how i feel nowadays. "you're a rich teenage girl who wanted to be all edgy and cool and rebel against her parents so she went on the epic 4chinz hacker website and joined le epic spooky suicide cult" how can you say that to someone lol? like thats so unneccessarily rude. and then he switches up after that and tries to act all nice or whatever like whats your issue? i love him but what he really thinks of me is really just rude and horrible. i love him but in my heart, i know what he really thinks of me. even now, i hope he never ever reads far enough into this. i dont think he cares that much about my thoughts and feelings so i dont think he will ever read this so its OK-AY ~ but reaaallly jeez. i am just full of a lot of like... conflict in my heart right now. hahahhaha. i love him. i could NEVER stop loving him obviously but it doesnt sit right with me that he thinks that about me like if im really just "a rich teenage girl who wanted to be all edgy and cool and rebel against her parents so she went on the epic 4chinz hacker website and joined le epic spooky suicide cult" then he should find someone who isnt that because he dislikes the way i am??? yeah thats just how i feel anyways. i want to say it hurts me and i want to tell him that the things he has said to me have hurt me greatly but nothing will ever come out of saying that. theres just no reason. he will never stop and he will never be able to learn from the mistakes. i gain nothing and only lose by saying those feelings. i just wish people could tolerate me and not be mean to me. i know im annoying and weird and nuisance to be around but even when my love says things like that you know i must be a real mess. even if i say i feel this way, he will just say i cant take any form of criticism. he NEVER gives me "criticism." he has given me it ONCE. but never what he says is criticism. he says rude things with all of his heart. he has never phrased this mean things nicely. its not that i cant take criticism its that im tired of constantly being belittled. he has been a lot better recently and has been kind recently and i guess its because life has been horrible but i dont think itll last. im enjoying this kindness before he snaps and gets annoyed with me and says something mean again hahahhaa. life is really just abysmal but i can keep on going and being happy if i give it my all. tomorrow is always a new day. i wish these thoughts would go away. i feel like they are almost intrusive. at the end of the day my feelings will never matter though because i am just a 'rich teenage girl who wants to be all edgy and cool and rebel against her parents' so my feelings will never truly matter. because apparently i have nothing to be sad about and apparently i should be happy all the time because y~eeeeees my life is so perfect and i am not mentally ill and i definitely have no issues within my life. i wish men had enough brains to be able to learn from mistakes.
life has just been really hard lately honestly. a lot has happened in like the span of a month. it makes me sick to think of it. you know, school usually seems like a stressful horrible thing. nowadays school isnt so bad you know it serves as a good distraction. if im being honest my schizophrenia is really bad lately and i have been really stressed lately and my mind is just really really a mess at all times. i want to dive back into my ED. i have been a bit lenient on myself for a while now. i need to go back.
you know, there is some comfort in writing here? i dont mind if someone i dont know reads all of this. anyone in the whole world can read this. even people i know are here though, like sebby. seb seb seb i know maybe one day youll read this. you know who this is. i dont like to tell these deep intrusive thoughts and things that have been bothering me for months and weeks and days to people im close to. some people take everything to heart and fail to understand that i am stressed and i am especially emotionally and mentally overwhelmed. its hard. its really hard because i want to share my feelings with my friends and especially my love but i am tired of feeling like a burden to everyone. eventually they all get annoyed of me. my love got annoyed quickly i can tell he hates to listen to me talk about my feelings. my friends got annoyed with me quickly too and i stopped sharing how i feel to them too.. i want to share how i feel. i want to be open about myself. i am capable of it fully, see this neocities is proof that i can express myself and i am capable of fully expressing myself honestly but people always take what i say to heart completely or get upset at me and wanna argue about how i feel or something? im sick of it. im so sick of it. i am too mentally ill to express myself i guess. people like me are just not meant to share these things, i suppose so.
tonight i remembered memories from when i was younger. i laid in bed and i thought about life when i was a bit younger. when i was in middle school i was entirely different. i wish i could erase the memories.
today i listened to lots of funky music. i am listening to Boy Bye by brockhampton right now. brockhampton is pretty damn good. for some reason when i feel a bit empty and soulless like i do right now. brockhampton just hits right for moments like this. i want the winter to get here quickly. i want to go outside and feel the wind and i want to feel the cold. the cold hurts. it hurts me all over but it feels nice and comfy at the same time. i feel so sick. my fever is so bad i feel so sick i want to just collapse right now. right now i just want to be able to enjoy the moments here where i can write how i feel. im happy that i have a place where i can talk about whatever i want again. i want to start writing anime reviews here. my memory isnt the best so i cant really rememeber things when i HAVE TO remember them so rn i dont think i can just write a reveiw like that and go BAM easy peasy now read my BIG COOL REVIEW. if only hahahhaha but i ll write tons of thoughts on stuff whenever i finish something n then u guys can read it! sorry if it sounds bad though i have not really written any actuaaaaaaal reviews ive only really just spewed my bits and pieces of opinions you know? i feel like i have always been discouraged to feel certain ways about things and ive been discouraged to build my own thoughts on stuff and i am kind of just existing to feel the way im "supposed to" about whatever. anyways reviews soon lets cut it off here... im too dizzy .goodnight my readers...
I find this example incredibly uninteresting.